TWO FISH PIES

Two fish pies

They have stars in their eyes

If they think we should pay their prices

At the Old Ship Inn

They lure you within

Where exravagance is in crisis

Food for sparrows and not for the plenty

Two snacks two drinks and I busted a

Twenty

It's my holiday week

But the outlook is bleak

As I know they are making a killing

Those in my company

Are prone to glutony

Not tricked by a mystery filling

It's bad enough with me and Heidi

If I had two kids I'd be home by Friday

Three years on I return with a foursome

The portions mean and the prices

awesome

Food for the meagre and not for the thrifty

Four snacks, four drinks and I busted a

fifty

In a class of her own

An erogenous zone

From her head right down to her toes

A melt you down smile

And buckets of style

And classiness etched on her clothes

A fountain of charm

You walk arm in arm

And frequent the best entertainment

In a fabulous gown

She's the star of the town

Her boobies defying containment

In nightspot or club

Bistro or pub

Her penache and charm does comend her

You meet up for bites

And smoke Marborough lites

And take home your nouveau Crouch 

Ender  

Chatty and trim

You fix her a gin

And find she never bores you

With power to stay

She goes all the way

Loves you to death and adores you!

Some are tinted blueberry crush

Other bluebottle metalic

White ones always come in a rush

And red ones essentially phalic

Personalised plates and chromium wheels

No GT injection is quicker

Come on inside and see how she feels

You can't fail to notice my four trak club sticker

Seated up high with ego inflated

Tyres balloon under the load

My mobile of course is voice activated

That's in case the airbags explode

It takes Homebase flatpacks with ease

As it comes with an extra large hatch

I wear baggy shorts that come over my knees

With my ponytail and silly hat to match

Walnut and Wilton sumptuous hide

Tele-map, six speed, seven seater

A broadband scanner and a route planner

You get a good ride in my Four-Trak four litre

The fruit machine

Is there to be seen

With all it's flashing lights

There's a hundred pot

And you spank the slot

With passion that exites

You're at a loss

But don't give a toss

How short that tenner lasted

Reaching far

For the final bar

'cause you're a greedy bastard

Your luck has ran

But you don't give a damn

For dreams are made in heaven

A wins in sight

If you play your cards right  

So you go low on a seven

Again and again

You changed up a ten

The barman called you a crackpot

Your out of cash

On your final bash

But you've got a gamble jackpot

With mystic reels

The fruity deals

Consigning you to fate

With one last ditch

The pregnant bitch

Dishes up an eight

The fruit machine

Is there to be seen

With all it's flashing lights

There's a hundred pot

but you've spanked your lot

With passion that exites 

The Pizzeria

Lit up like at pier

With lights you can see for a mile

You have what suffices

in whole bits or slices

And two for one deals on trial

The Pizzeria

There's loads round here

With plenty to stuff your face

The carton just oozes

With all things you chooses

And splatters all over the place

The Pizzeria

Though very near

Delivers come rain or snow

With toppings to try on

A plain or Hawaiin

At over a pound a throw 

The Pizzeria

IS very dear

But has many special offers

In the price

Coke and ice

Goes down the necks of scoffers

The Pizzeria

Open all year

The sauces fill a huge vat

Drips on cheeses

And goes where it pleases

Try it and really get fat

The Pizzeria

Do a light bun vaneer

The curry one really revulses

The Meatfeast's rock hard

The Barbeque's chared

Ane the Vegan is riddled with pulses

The Pizzeria

The Queens pub's in fear

They say it must move with the chages

From a pub to an eater

But Oh Marguarita!

Exchange all the beer pumps for ranges

The Pizzeria

I'd rather a beer

All that dough and spices extend you

Though the Queens pub still reigns

Ensure one thing remains

That pizza is off the menu!

Lables pop up from the nape of your neck to

the top of the seat of your pants

You check out the size

Get a surprise

And tuck them in given a chance

Lables are lovely, greeting, inviting

You wash them in warm , it says so in

writing

Motifs on tee shirts, not lables at all,

sometimes leave you in doubt

Incredibly small

Embroidered an'all

Are they whereing them inside out?

It wasn't a lable, how could I mistake it

It's kind of unreal to think that they fake it

Genuine articles can cost you dear.

Remember lables expose you.

It looked good all right

But you lost it one night.....

Returned by someong who knows you.

And it wasn't Armani, Gocci or Kleine.....

But bought round the corner for

one ninety nine!

The dot on the "I" was detail

But the line on the "T" was OK   

So the dot was sold at retail  

And the "T" brought in on a tray

Said the "T" to the "I" in passing

I've just had a terrible thought

It seems to me quite awful

to think that your dot's been bought

Said the "I" to the "T"stop foreboding

Make use of the technology

It makes sense to me the off-loading

And I get ten per cent of the fee!

And surely one fateful morning

The "T" found a letter on the mat

We've cut down your time

and sold off your line

But we are very sorrow about that

The "I" and the "T" stood there plainly

Their characters gone it a flash

And looked at themselves somewhat vainly

Identity turned into cash

Now the system's not something you tell off

It's mean and cool as a breeze

So, if your caught in an "I"-dot sell-off

Make sure you hang on the the"T"s!

In silent or in speaker mode

At your home or on the road

Economy or back lit

Your mobile is essential kit

On the tube it is a crush

Where did you pack it in all the rush

Then you hear the ring tone tag

Buried deep in your eco bag

And when you're at that interview

The alarm goes off at a ten-to-two

Then the bank is on the phone

Telling the world you can't have a loan

Pick up some booze at the market stall

Better give your darling a call

What shall it be red or white….?

And are we having chicken tonight?

Sat-nav, ipod, goodies galore

One charge will last a week or more

Touch screen, radio, mp3

The ring tone plays The Rose of Tralee.

Get discounts on all your fares

Buy and sell your stocks and shares

Get a bargain with Ebay buyer

Weekend break….with car hire.

At the races, shopping in stores

Golf club, theatre, Mother in laws

Pimlico, Paris, Venice or Rome

You're sure to connect with your mobile phone

Pachabel or Albinoni

Pasta tubes or macaroni

Is it Handal, is it Bach

Lightly rough or smooth and dark

Going forward, getting back

PC or Apple Mac

Bull and Bush, Bald face Stag

Pig and Whistle, Lamb and Flag

Sideboard or chest of drawers

Interesting or crushing bores

Take a punt or gondolier

Overseas or overhear

Taking pride or take the piss

Betrayal sealed with a kiss

Lamp black or apple white

Misty dusk or morning light

Dictatorship, democracy

Truthfulness hypocrisy

Full and final incomplete

Down and out in Upper Street

Reach new depths and plumb the sky

Confused - well so am I

Pigeons perch on my cills

So I shoo them away with cold Pils

And also Martini

With strains of Tartini

Now instead of warbling they TRILLS!

I bought an ice cream in St. Ives

A seagull stole it before my eyes

I bought a burger from a stall

A seagull stole it wrapper an'all

My lottery ticket was in my hand

A seagull stole it and swallowed a grand

I found a fiver in the road

A seagull stole it the wrotten toad

My mobile had a sticky end

A seagull stole it to phone a friend

The biggest break I ever got

A seagull stole it and the pot

I had a plan to be a millionaire

A seagull sold it to Ryanair

And what became of my windfall?

That bastard seagull stole it all